October 27, 2008

  • Sometimes...I Just Don't Know

    **pardon me, as this post will ramble.....it's a pure gemini trait**

    Ugh....I hate the feeling of 'not knowing'....anything.  If I'm asked a question that I don't know the answer to, I'll make my best educated guess and later go research it.....research meaning Google.  I wish I could Google when I will climb out of this slump.  I know I need to talk to a therapist......but lately I have not completed many things that I've started.  That's so uncharacteristic of me.  Totally and completely.  I don't really wish to talk to a therapist...I'm afraid I'll be told or perceived as unbalanced.  I know I'm crazy....I just don't want to be abnormal.  Go figure.  Things between MSP and I have been tense lately.  I could easily say it's all him, but I know I'm contributing.  I could do as I've done in the past and get ghost for a while...until things blow over, however, I know that's not the mature way to handle things.

    I quit my job.  Yep.  I did it.  Nope, I don't have another job but I'm not stressed.  I was a bit nervous leading up to my resignation, but once I did it, I felt so relieved.  I know that's the sign that I did what was best for me. 

    He's trying to prove a point to me.  I know it.  It won't work - I'm the Queen of Point Proving.  I have to work on that.  I know that's why I'm still in this funk.  Sometimes I wish I could just say Eff the Funk....and hope it would be gone.  **POOF**

    Things I Need to Work On:
    1.  Stubbornness
    2.  Selfishness
    3.  Seeing things from a different viewpoint without experiencing them
    4.  Completing tasks/projects/endeavors
    5.  Setting goals and mapping out plans to complete them

    Of course this list will continue to grow....it's a start for now.  I have to ask myself if these things are those that I want to do for me or are they things I want to do because I think someone wants me to do them?  Does it make a difference either way?  I just don't know....blech.

    For the first time since I've been in DC, I came home to my apartment tonight and actually felt like it's HOME.  I have a few other things I need to acquire to make it my own, but I'm off to a good start.  I've been in this apartment for a year now, and I hope that I don't get the urge to move again.  Of course that may not happen, but who knows....I know I don't. 

    I hope I can get some clarity....soon.

    My prayers are going up for Jennifer Hudson and her family. 

Comments (2)

  • Hey, just sending you an e-hug.

  • Girl I feel like I'm all over the place mentally too.

    I've known that I should get therapy but here are my issues wit that idea:

    Since I was raised in church I've always connected the mind with spirits. And I feel that anybody dealin wit my mind needs to be spiritual, preferably a Christian.

    People who know the ends and outs of the mind know how to manipulate it. Thus, I'd hate to go to someone who has me truly thinkin I'm more of a nut than I truly am.

    It takes courage to dig up sometimes negative things and memories in therapy. I am one who blocks out things I feel either should not have happened or might be very negative or terrible. I was raised in a household where the negative was either ignored or covered up with facades or noncommunication.

    So girl stay in prayer. I'm glad you found release in your resignation. Ill be glad when I'm at that place.

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