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New Year, New Theme:

Bold and Beautiful in 2007 = BB 007

No resolutions......just statements for life.

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Long time no talk to.....How you been?

I spent both holidays with my family in Florida.  I desperately needed to be with them and all of their crazy ways.  My mother's siblings aren't really close - not like my siblings and I are.  They are really distant from each other although they live relatively close to each other.  We did the big family dinner for Thanksgiving and Christmas and everyone had such a good time.  Everyone was jovial and polite and not one argument ensued over any little thing.  It was great to be around all of them.  They are an unstable group, I must admit, but it was good to see family outside the other typical gatherings, specifically funerals.  Of course, Jasmin was the star of the show.

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Char's birthday was really hard for me.  I visited her family during Thanksgiving and Christmas.  My family circle has grown to include Dannie's and Char's.  I went to see her resting place with her mom and brother.  We planted poinsettias for the holiday.  Dannie's birthday was not as bad as Char's.   There are a lot of firsts I've yet to experience.  I miss them dearly.  I designed a tattoo to commemorate their lives.  I'll show you later.

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While half-heartedly watching a re-run (I suppose) of Grey's Anatomy last night, I heard The Nazi say this:

"...this girl proves to everyone that pain serves a purpose."

Yes, it does.

7/25/06

Stone

From the song "Weary" by Amel Larrieux

"This Woman is growing Weary/from having to be so strong/from having to pretend I'm made of stone/So I don't end up with no broken bones/I can't fight every battle Alone."

I realized yesterday that I've been pretending to be made of stone most of my whole life.  Only my mother seemed to be able to make that stone crumble.  I don't even know if that statement is fully true...what's a more accurate statement is either I was a stone or a waterfall, the latter being displayed more than the former.  I needed to cover up the feelings inside.  The stone (eventually) emerged more as I grew up; now that I recognize it I must stop it before it's too late.  I don't want to be bitter in life.  I want to fully experience Love & Life and all the things they offer.  I want (need) to experience pain so that I know the depths of joy.

I (Heard 'Em Say)

(It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday)

but (In My Mind) (We Can't Be Friends)

because you've made a (Fool of Me) (Again)

and right now this (Bitter) (Resentment) has taken hold of me

i try to (Shake It Off), thinking it just can't be--

the only thing left to say is (Congratulations).

I know, I know....it's been a while since I've posted here.  A lot of it has to do with the fact that I reserve my writing now as a means to sort through my emotions - emotions that I don't want to share yet.  The other part is that I have been buried in nonpartisan election work.  Michael Steele lost in Maryland and Kenneth Blackwell lost in Ohio.  Both lost by a large percentage of votes which leads to the point that NO ONE will vote for a Black man, no matter his party affiliation.  White Republicans won't even vote for a Black Republican.  What does this mean? 

I'm glad you asked. 

It means race still trumps all other factors.

It means that someone like Barack Obama, with all of his appeal, political savvy, and promise, will have a tough fight if he chooses to run in '08. 

It means that the minority (white men) control the majority because they control the money. 

It means that racial hatred is still very prevalent in so many more ways and levels than can be imagined.

It means that America is still very much afraid of The Black Man. 

To give you a further example of the last point above, Walter Cronkite said of Ed Bradley: "He didn't make you feel like he was Black." 

As if it is a horrible, despicable thing to be Black or be in the same room with someone who is Black...................................

"This past year has come full circle for me, in so many ways, and my quest for finding Reno has been a major part of it."

 Little did I know that it was still circling right after that entry.  One of the things I have come to realize is that this feeling of loss does not go away.  I have to learn to deal with it as part of my routine.  I think I expected it to be like a broken relationship (or at least my past ones) - I can cut myself off from it completely if I want to.  That's my way of maintaining control of the relationship.  But this is different.  I have no control of the things that constantly remind me of Char.  I have not learned to deal completely with the grief that surfaces from time to time, and I have *just* realized that I can't learn to "deal" with it.  I have to accept it, for to deny the grief is to deny Char's place in my life.

I question a lot of things in my life, including God, and some things I just can't reconcile right now mainly my relationship with Him.  I am not saying anything against Him, it is just taking a lot of time for me to understand.  I am reading the Bible more now than before, tryingt to find answers that I need.  I pray for understanding while understanding that it may not come.  That is what I can't accept.  I can't be like Job. 

And so my circle continues......

It's a celebration b!tcheeeeeeeeeees....

Florida State University 13

vs.

University of Miami 10

Let the College Football season begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Don't really know why I'm up........but anyhoo, I'm here.

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My dreams have been very confusing lately.  There are many minute pieces from different aspects of my life invading my sleep.  I swear I 'forecasted' a scene from work with a co-worker.  I remembered it when I awoke that morning (very unusual) but cast it aside because the situation did not seem to have likeliness of ever happening.  Then it did earlier this week.  It wasn't anything big that happened, just a normal transaction, but the fact that I dreamed of it a few weeks earlier makes me feel *something*.

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It's been exactly one year (and a few days) since I've moved up here.  Have I done anything to explore the city? Nope, not really.  I know how to get to the places I need to go, but basically I go to work and come home.  I need to get out more.....if only just to get out. 

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I saw the DJ I mentioned in my last post on MySpace one day -- he offered to send me a copy of the set he played that night.  He asked about my "posse," and I had to tell the news.  It took a long time to format that message.  How do you relay something so tragic and still so fresh in an e-mail?  I also saw pics from that weekend on another friend's page.  She sent me the one I posted in that entry. 

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I read "Night" by Elie Wiesel today.  Something struck me in his foreword to the newly revised translation:

"...to forget the dead would be akin to killing them a second time."

Albeit he wrote about the Holocaust (an 'inadequate' term, he believes), that sentence struck me.  Is it not the absolute truth about a soul that has left this Earth?

I will remember....even he who I did not meet.

FAMU Homecoming 2004

Although FSU is our Alma Mater, we chose to meet up for FAMU's Homecoming back in 2004.  Dannie surprised Char that weekend.  We were all in on the secret, and Char was thrilled to see Dannie, but mad that we kept the surprise.  Dannie didn't stay long - she knew it was Girl's Weekend for us - and she accomplished her goal with her visit.

On this particular night we went to a party at the Ramada Inn.  We danced the whoooooooole night, even in the line to get drinks.  We positioned ourselves right in front of the DJ booth to maximize our listening experience.  We knew we would enjoy the DJ because he was at the spot we went to the night before and at the end of the night he played "The Greatest Love of All" - the Coming To America version by Sexual Chocolate.  We were cracking up.  Back to the night of this picture.......we were with a group of 6-7 girls, but the 3 of us separated from the pack.  They stood on the sidelines.  Rai danced with us for a while.  I don't think any of us expected to dance the entire night but we were into it.  I think we were more into being together and just having fun.  At any rate the DJ played "Poison" and we re-created the video.    We were having so much fun requesting songs and dancing - just having a blast - that the DJ came down from the DJ booth and danced with us.  That made us kick it into high gear.  I was drenched in sweat (just look at my hair).  My feet hurt so bad the next day, but it was SO worth it.