Someone who is 'good' doesn't mean they are good for you.  I think we hold on to the belief that we have to keep a tight hold on a good wo/man because there aren't that many of them in the world.  In doing so, I think we lose who we are because we feel we have to work hard to keep this good wo/man, not fully realizing that this good wo/man may not be good for us. 

This thought process is parallel to the belief "I am not complete because I am alone."  Does one have to be in a relationship to feel whole?  Shouldn't one feel that they are a complete person in and out of a relationship?  If one feels whole without being in a relationship, does it mean they don't 'need' a relationship?  Is this the chicken coming before the egg or the double-edged sword?

I feel that those who seek a relationship for the relationship are missing out on the big, beautiful picture of life.  When you are happiest with being yourself and being who you are, you are HAPPY regardless of your situation.  True happiness comes from within.  You shouldn't need or depend on someone else to make you happy;  the BEST wo/man in the world can't make an unhappy person happy. 

*************************************

I ask for clarity in my thoughts, pureness in my actions, love in my energy, and a positive outlook. 

I ask that the negative be replaced with positive, my energy be productive, and my heart be welcoming.

This is taking too much energy out of me. 

Last night I had the very distinct honor to speak with an astounding Black woman, Coach C. Vivian Stringer.  She is an amazing individual with so much love and wisdom inside of her.  I was mesmerized and enthralled by her down-home SistaGirl speak and the ideals and thoughts she put into the universe.  I hugged her warmly, explaining as we embraced that I was so honored to have her keep the focus back in April on the Black woman and not the ignorance surrounding those events.  I thanked her for being the protector of those young Black women and guiding them as they searched for the answers they wanted.  It was magnificent.

Here is another Black woman who warms my heart.

"If you can overcome your fear of dreaming out loud, you may be quite wonderfully surprised with the response that you receive."

Yeah, I daydream a lot about many different things: what I'll be like in 30 years, scenarios from my childhood, how I would like a situation to play out in real life, etc.  I don't share those daydreams, mainly because people will think I'm a total nut job sometimes. 
*************************************************************

I know my strengths and weaknesses.  What do I do to enhance the positive and minimize the negative? 
    *Work on RESPONDING and not REACTING
    *Understand it's not about me
    *Push the negative thoughts and feelings out - don't let them fester.  Deal with them and move on.
    *Take a moment to remove myself and my thoughts from a stressful situation and EVALUATE it before I RESPOND: Is this really important?  Is the energy I'm putting out there making the situation better?  Is this the right thing for me?  Am I being selfish and inconsiderate?
    *Let It Go!!!

"People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything's gonna be alright.
No one, no one, no ooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneee
Can get in the way of what I'm feeelinnnng"

So lemme tell you this story.....

I was supposed to move into an apartment on Saturday.  Long story short, I didn't do my due diligence to ensure that everything was taken care of and found myself with no place to move into 2 weeks ago.  I had already given my notice to vacant to my current place and I REFUSED to give them any more of my money, which meant I had to scramble to find a new place.

Enter Craigslist.

I found a few potential places that were within my price range.  I considered moving into DC - gentrification is taking place all around.- if the price and location were decent.  I found a posting for downtown DC for $700.  I send the following e-mail:
   

|Full Message View

I'm a little cautious - 3 months rent is a lot upfront, but hey the
location is GREAT.  Downtown DC, close to U St and to work AND it is
CHEAP!  It doesn't hurt to feel this one out so I reply back:

Thank you Janine.  Please accept my condolences on your loss.  I can
imagine how hard it is to lose someone so special - I recently lost 2
of my best friends in a horrible car accident.  I pray that you are
doing the best you can to remember all of the happy memories.

Is
the apartment furnished, as shown in the pictures?  How long would the
lease/contract be?  I am very interested in moving right away -
September 15th is my anticipated move date. 

Thanks again, and please be well.

Also, Janine, I would be more than able to pay the 3 months upfront, once a lease is signed. 

I get this:

From: Janine <dialcabwa@yahoo.com>
To: Dimpled Diva
Sent: Tuesday, September 4, 2007 5:04:17 PM
Subject: Re: 2 Room Apartment - 1301 14th St NW

The apartment is like in the pictures, furnished with
new furniture and because it is new I have to ask you
to take good care of it if you will rent my apartment.
I own the apartment and I rent it because I don't like
to be empty because a ghouse need its cleaning and
fresh air. The minimum rent contract is for one year
no less.
Utilities are about $70/month, parking available.
The apartment has two bedrooms and a living room, it
is very spacious
and sunny .
If you wish to bring your furniture you will have to
tell me so I will find a place to storage mine.
Because my hearing problems from the accident I have
to go weekly to a clinic here in Munchen for treatment
so I won't have much time to spend in USA .
Because of that and also due the fact that it is a
long distance between countries it is hard for me to
decide from the offers that I have received and I also
can't come for every offer that I receive.
I will perform a  background check on you as tenant
and if you will be approved as good tenant you will
need to deposit the three month rent into escrow
service after you will be approved.
This way I will also be asured that you have the money
to pay me in advance and also that will not loose my
time and that I will not make the trip for nothing.
This way I will also reserve the apartment for you and
refuse other offers.
The
deposit will remain into the service escrow till
we will make the contract. Once the service will
confirm that you have the deposit I will buy my plane
tickets and we will arrange a meeting. After we will
meet and show you the apartment we will make the rent
contract to one lawyer office (we both find an office
where we will make the contract).
Send me your full name and full address so I will
forward your details to do a background check on you
as tenant and for the escrow transaction.

Thank you

An escrow account?  Isn't that typically used when buying a house?  Sounds like a good pre-cautionary measure, but I'm really questioning stuff now.  I talk to a few co-worker who are attorneys.  One refers me to a website that tells you the owner of properties in DC: 

https://www.taxpayerservicecenter.com/RP_Search.jsp?search_type=Assessment

She also tells me (as did the other attorneys) to specifically state what purpose establishing the escrow account will serve.  I send Janine this e-mail:

Hi Janine,

Thank you for the response.  I do understand your
concerns for the need to consider serious tenents.  Are you able to
come to the States prior to Sept. 15th?  I don't want to put a strain
on you, considering the distance, time, and your therapy.  I will
furnish the apartment myself.

Also, being that our communication
is over the Internet for now, is there someone here in DC that you
conduct business with?  I would like to verify that you are the owner
of the apartment and it is indeed yours to lease before establishing an
escrow account.  To clarify the escrow account - it will be used as
payment for the first three months rent upon agreement of both parties
to enter a lease.

My address is:
xxxx Something St. South 
Apt. xxx
Arlington, VA xxxxx

I checked the website for the owner listed of the apartment and come up with "N St Village Foundation."  I google it to find out it's a transition home/school for homeless people.  I call the number for the apartment buildings and ask if Janine Bozen owns an apartment in the building.  The guy asked me if I saw an ad on Craigslist - I was the 10th person who called about the apartment, which is not owned by anyone - all units are leased.

AHA!

While I'm on the phone with the gentleman, I get this e-mail:

Tenant Screening and Background Check Services.

Experian Business services offerr full and accurate mortgage credit reports and Tenant Screening products, Tenant Checks, Tenant Credit reports and Employment screening products such as Criminal Records, Background Checks, Tenant Background Checks, and Driving Records.   You are approved as tenant We have forwarded your informations for escrow transaction at AOL Real Estate ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Transaction requested by Experian Business services registered user . Transfer to our agent must be issued within 24-48 hours After the background verification by Experian you are approved as Tenant for the escrow transaction.     PROPERTY ID INVOICE NAME INVOICE AMOUNT PERIOD Monthly rent AMOUNT DUE 00489260 ESCROW DEPOSIT $2100.00 3 months $700.00 $2100.00 LEASE ID: 93008420 CONTRACTED TERMS: $700.00 /month Referral Transaction Summary Renter Name: Additional Names on Lease: Reported Lease Terms:: Unit # and Address:         Property of:     Nikki Hadder N/A 12 months, $700.00 a month 1301 14th St NW, Washington, DC 20005 United States  MAP IT   Janine Bozen 474 Wittelsbacherplatz,,  Munchen, 80633, Germany   Description of the apartment for rent: washing machine in the apartment ,dryer in the apartment ,cable TV VCR ,stereo CD player , spacious living room with sofa set and dining table bedroom with double bed ,second bedroom with double bed, bathroom with bath tub, guest toilet PROPERTY ID INVOICE NAME INVOICE AMOUNT PERIOD MONTHLY RENT AMOUNT DUE 00489260 ESCROW DEPOSIT $2100.00 3 months $700.00 $2100.00 LEASE ID: 93008420 CONTRACTED TERMS: $700.00 /month Referral Transaction Summary Renter Name: and Address: Nikki Hadder xxxx Something St. South Arlington, VA xxxxx United States The following terms were indicated by Janine Bozen : The total rent/month: 700 $ Deposit :                        2100 $ (advance rent/3 months)   After receiving the deposit the landlord will be instructed to show you the apartment. The Landlord selected AOL Real Estate for this transaction. Premium Service transactions are protected up to $20000 In order to speed up the process, AOL Real Estate and our registered member agreed that you send payment via MoneyGram - Money Transfer. If you are not familiarized with the MoneyGram - Money Transfer service, please visit MoneyGram site . You have to pay with cash at any  MoneyGram  office. If you want to locate the nearest MoneyGram Office in your area please click here. You have to pay with cash at any MoneyGram Office. The person who is renting the apartment is responsible for paying the  MoneyGram  transfer fees.   How to send payment? 1. Locate the nearest  MoneyGram  Office; 2. Make the payment with cash using our agent's details below. 3. Send us by fax a copy of the MoneyGram receipt at: (734) 378-4053 SEND FUNDS TO OUR AGENT: Agent details (send MoneyGram  money transfer to): First Name:  Jordan Address: 245 E. 25th St., Last Name:  Fitzgerald   New York, NY 10010     United States     Once Yhaoo Real Estate receives the payment confirmation, Ms. Janine Bozen will be instructed to show you the property. AOL Real Estate  holds the payment until you confirm that you are satisfied with the apartment and after you have the Rent Contract on your name. As soon as AOL Real Estate receives your confirmation payment is sent to Landlord. During your inspection period, you have the option to accept or reject the apartment. If you, as the Renter, accept the terms and conditions indicated by Landlord, proceed with the first step of the transaction: send total rent price to our AOL Real Estate Agent.   Once you have made the MoneyGram money transfer to our Agent  you will have to confirm the transfer. Confirm the transfer send us a fax with the receipt: +1 (734) 378-4053    Thank you for using AOL Real Estate. We appreciate your business. .------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How Escrow Transaction works?   Renter and Landlord Agree to Terms: Both parties agree to terms of the transaction, which includes a description of the apartment, rent price/month  Renter Pays AOL Real Estate: The Renter submits a payment, using MoneyGram to our agent . AOL Real Estate verifies the payment. Processing time takes about 1-2 working days. Landlord Shows the Apartment: Upon payment verification, the Landlord is authorized to show the property and finalize a contract . Renter Accepts the Apartment: The Renter has the option to accept or reject the apartment. AOL Real Estate Pays the Landlord: AOL Real Estate pays the Landlord by cashier's check, MoneyGram or wire transfer. The transaction is complete. AOL Real Estate Pays Refund: The refund is sent to your bank account, or by check or money order. The way you are refunded is at your choice. You have 10 days from the above verification date to request a refund. Refund requests are processed within 3 days. Refund requests by email : Transaction #00489260 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   How Renters are protected? AOL Real Estate will pay the Landlord after receiving the Rent Contract by fax  The Landlord isn't paid until the Renter accepts the apartment and confirm with the Contract signed by both parts. Renters can ask refund if the property isn't the way it was described .  How Landlords are protected? AOL Real Estate confirms when the service receives the rent deposit. The Landlord is authorized to show the property and make a contract after AOL Real Estate verifies good funds.   ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   A REALTOR® is a real estate professional who is a member of the National Association of REALTORS® © 2007 AOL, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

You've got to be sh!tting me!!!! This all ended here, almost.  I forwarded the chain of e-mails to Craigslist to have the posting removed, etc etc.  I googled "Fake Escrow Accounts" and pulled up stories about elaborate schemes conducted on Ebay to get large sums of money out of people.  I talked to another attorney friend who informed me that in DC, landlords can not ask for more than one month's rent equivalent as a security deposit. 

Needless to say Desperation is never an ideal state to operate in.  I found a nice place in an apartment building and the management company seems nice.  Apartmentratings.com gave it a decent approval rating (people post the most ignorant comments) and everyone said the management company is great.  Anything is better than the current idiots I deal with now, although they seem to be getting better as they get more stable staff.

The best thing: I'll be saving A LOT of money in rent and utilities in the new spot.  The not-so-good thing: the building used to be a hotel back in the 60's (I'm guessing) so it's really old and not very modern.  It's give and take.

*********************************

I'm at peace and ready to move forward.  I am remaining optimistic about the outcome, but still cautious.

I'm such a Pack Rat........I get it from my momma.  I have to de-clutter myself. 

I hate packing and unpacking.  Moving is not fun when you have to do it yourself.  I wish I could pay someone to pack up my stuff and move it all and unpack it.  **Sigh**

I am using this opportunity to get rid of stuff.  Junk that I haven't used since I've moved here.  Things that I don't really need, use, or want.

I throwin' this ish out!!!!!

**PS - I'm taking any and all available help**

I have to get it out of me.  Let it go.  Let the universe take care of it, while I take care of me.  There is too much energy surrounding this.  Energy I can use in other ways.  I have to let it go.  Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

The feeling of being sh!tted on is never a welcomed one.  I think, essentially, that's what sums up what I've been going through.  It's even worse when people who are very close to you do it because they know that you love them unconditionally and will be there no matter what.  We do it all the time to our family.  It was pointed out to me that we always choose to hang out with our friends versus hanging out with our family.  Who hasn't?  How many times do we choose to be with our significant other rather than hanging out with friends?  Very common examples that happen very frequently.  Does it make it right?  Does it make the other person feel better to know that they aren't the only person it's ever happened to?  Not at all.

We have to find a balance that is good for us - knowing when we're being neglectful of aspects in our lives that are not integrated into one another and making efforts to correct our negligence.  Ideally all aspects (family, significant other, friends) integrate eventually, but how does one manage those aspects in the interim?  I don't think anyone intentionally sets out to sh!t on their Inner Circle.  I most certainly don't because I don't like this feeling.  A big burden is released when one has people around them who are understanding and don't place the pressure to choose on you.  That's why your family gets the most of your sh!t - they don't ever make you feel like you'll lose them if you don't "choose" them.  What responsibility do we have to our Inner Circle to be cognizant of their feelings while maintaining our own happiness?

After all, sh!t belongs in the toilet.

Soooo......I'm noticing a few things lately.  I'm not easily adaptable to changes that are taking place in my life.  Things that I thought were constants/stable in my life don't appear to be that way.  I'm not too thrilled about that. 

I feel alienated. 

I'm trying to think positively.....looking at it as gaining something.  The more I analyze it, the more I know I'm losing something; something that I didn't think I'd ever lose. 

Maybe I'm making a bigger deal of it than I should, but if I look at what's happened so far, my suspicions are correct.  My gut hasn't failed me yet.  I think I know how things will end up.  Maybe I should start preparing myself for it.

Who knows?  I certainly don't at this point.

I'm not sure if you remember, but we talked about this before when it happened to us.  We knew things would be different no matter how hard we all tried to keep it the same.  We knew we were the only ones left. 

Now it's happening between us.  Am I wrong for feeling like I'm the only one left?