"Everywhere I'm turning / Nothing seems complete / I stand up and I'm searching / For the better part of me / I hang my head from sorry / State of humanity / I wear it on my shoulders / Gotta find the strength in me

'Cause I am a superwoman / Yes I am / Even when I'm a mess / I still put on a vest with an "S" on my chest / Oh yes / I'm a superwoman

When I'm breaking down / And I can't be found / And I start to get weak / 'Cause no one knows / Me underneath these clothes / But I can fly / We can fly

'Cause I am a superwoman / Yes I am / Even when I'm a mess / I still
put on a vest with an "S" on my chest / Oh yes / I'm a superwoman"

Yep, I'm searching for the better part of me.  Right now, I can't be found 'cuz I am breaking down but I have help in rebuilding.  We talked on Friday night and I got most things off my chest, then the 3 of us talked on Sunday and we got it all out.  I'm working through the trouble spots but now I have a better view of things because I have an idea of what's going on in their minds.  I'm still grappling with one question and there's one thing that I haven't been able to let go of.  I know that will take some time within me.  My opinion won't change but my actions will......eventually.

So that was Monday.  Tuesday and Wednesday we don't talk at all.  Usually one of us will call the other while I'm at work.  Thursday night, I'm re-packing my suitcase one more time.  I always feel that I'll leave something behind that I'll really need, like that orange-hued lip gloss or that ring that I like to wear with the black dress or the one hair product that I'll absolutely need to manage my mane.  My phone rings.

"I'm A Hustla, I'ma I'ma Hustla Homie"

It's Char.  She's a Hustler, forreal.  Always has a side gig of some sort that she's trying out.  She can do a lot of random things, like the living room table she glued rocks on the top to make her own specialized motif for her college apartment.  Like knowing the right shades and blending techniques for eyeshadow that make me look 'not-so-made-up' but made up because she has her cosmetology license.  Like getting in on the investment properties business because the real estate market is the up and coming thing.  She always knows how to keep money coming into her pockets, but NEVER spends more than absolutely necessary.  My phone has ring tones for each special person in my life.  Char's is the hook from Cassidy's "I'm a Hustla," with Jay-Z doing the chorus. 

It's so fitting, too, because she's Hip Hop Head to her heart.  She always has a CD in her disc player that you can only nod your head to.  Don't get it twisted, she loves the Down South music, too, the kind that made you dance all night, but she loves that "New York ish."  The very first New Year's Eve we spent together, Char and I drove from Tampa to Atlanta to stay with Rai for those days.  Char made it known how much she was not looking forward to the ride with the "Queen of R&B" music listener that I am.  Haha.  She survived.

"Hello."

"Pimp Nik."

"That's me."  Instead of ringtones, Char has code names for everyone in her phone.  I'm Pimp Nik because she said I never cared about the negroes....hahaha.  I'm wondering why she's talking all soft, like a little kid.  She's using her 'I hope you aren't mad at me' voice.

"What are you packing?  Are you packing many swim suits?"

"You know it!  Aren't you?"

"Well, I've convinced Dannie to bring a swim suit but I don't know how many I want to bring and are you bringing clothes for going out?"

"I'm bringing a few club outfits, but I figured we'd just end up going to Kelvin's spot."

"Yeah, you know he's already called me and harassed me about coming through.  The good thing is we'll drink free all night, especially if Laurie's working.  You know she pours all liquor and a splash of chaser."

"Yeah....just like I like 'em!  What time y'all leaving?  C-lah and I land at 11."

"We'll leave here around 4am.  Dannie's driving so we plan on leaving early enough to be there when y'all land."

"Well, y'all need to go to bed and get some sleep."

"Yeah we are."

We talk a little more and then hang up.  I check my suitcase one more time - you can never be too sure.  In 12 hours, I'll be in Florida heading for the beach.  We had everything lined up:  Clearwater Beach on Friday; St. Pete Beach Saturday; Siesta Key Sunday.  We'd hit up Wet Willies, Blue Martini, Mirage, and several other spots in the area.  Char is always the event planner for our get togethers.  She knows many places to hit up and is the Queen of Networking, so she's always finding the spots.

*Because this will be a cleansing, of sort, for me - a chance to get everything out of me - this will be a series of entries*

It was a few days before our weekend together.  Char called me so we could make final plans and to touch base.  She slipped in a tidbit at the end of our conversation....

"Alright, Char...I need to get off the phone so I can finish packing.  I'll talk with you later."

"Okay.  Hey, Dannie's renting a car once we get to Tampa so she doesn't put more miles on her car than she has to.  So we need you and C-lah to chip in."

Char throws in this statement in her typical fashion.  Like it's nothing big, but she knows it is and it warrants more discussion, however, it's getting late for me and I have to get some stuff done.

"Hunh?  Okay....that doesn't make sense, but okay."

"Okay.  I'll talk to you later."

"Bye."

When I hang up the phone, I don't really think more of Char's add on, but I know I'm not finished with the topic.  My focus is packing everything I'll need for our beach weekend into one bag so I don't have to check any luggage.  I abhor waiting for bags and it burns me up to see my bags scuffed and marked up, the contents inside potentially damaged and toiletries smeared on my clothes. Ugggh.  The thing is, I'm a pack rat which spills over into packing and planning for trips - I always have too much stuff.  I unpack the clothes and shoes inside one more time, carefully evaluating each outfit making sure I have the necessary accessories and complements for each.  What can I consolidate?  Which pairs of shoes can serve double duty?  Do I really need 3 pairs of black stilettos, even if they are different styles?  Sigh.  The constant is that the weather will be perfect beach weather all weekend....no rain and plenty of sunshine.

At work the next day I'm talking to C-lah and I told her what Char slipped in.

"Yeah, she told me that in passing."

"She thinks she's slick.  They are driving Dannie's car from Atlanta, but are renting when they get to Tampa to save miles and wear and tear?!  If they want to save wear and tear, why not just rent the car in Atlanta?  All the miles will be from the drive from Atlanta."

"You know why she's doing it.....she's CHEAP!!!"

"Yeah, I know.  We all know, but my point is - if you want us to help with the costs just ask!  Don't try to make it seem like you're concerned about the car."

"You silly.  Let her do what she does."

"No.  It's the principle.  It's principalities involved."  We're both cracking up.

"Okay.  Well do what you do, I'm fine with it either way."

"I'm gonna call her and let her know I'm up on her game.  I'll pay for gas, but I'm not helping pay for the rental - that's on them."

"Yeah.  Let me know how that goes."

I call Char later in the day and unload on her.  In my matter-of-fact-no-nonsense-my-mind's-made-up fashion, I tell her the rental plan doesn't make any sense and I'll gladly help pay for gas while we're in Tampa, but renting a car is pointless once we're there.  Our conversation is short and ends with me feeling like I've said my piece and foiled Char's plan to milk money out of me.  Humph.  Not I, said the Duck.

Soooooo....we'll talk soon.  I have to choose my words carefully to not mix my emotions and to not be taken the wrong way.  I'll definitely have to write out some things so that I can sort them before our talk. 

This, too, shall pass.

I'm reading "Eat Pray Love," and one of the things she talks about it acknowledging the emotion within your thoughts as that - emotion.  Those emotions aren't you, they are feelings that you have.  They are part of your composition, therefore, you can alter them.

I really don't have much to talk about.....

A random woman on the Metro today asked me to look at an article in the Express.  It was about a Russian (?) man who murdered 32 people so he could use them as human pieces in a chess game.  WTF??????  We talked for a few minutes, despite the fact that I kept listening to my mp3 player.  Ms Lady didn't let it stop her from initiating conversation with me.  Clearly she isn't from this area.  I don't like watching the news up here or reading the newspaper - it's so disturbing to hear 90% of all the crime that occurred.  I have enough negativity.

MSP and I were talking about how rude people are up here.  During the rain last week he overheard 2 women talking on the Metro.  One said as she left the credit union, a man had the audacity to ask her if he could walk under her umbrella with her.  The audacity....

I carved a pumpkin last week.  When I came home yesterday, it had collapsed from molding.  I was hurt....pumpkins usually last a week - what did I do wrong?  Maybe it was the temperature change.......I'm still upset that I don't have my carved pumpkin for tomorrow.   Speaking of tomorrow, it's my Mommy's birthday.

That's her!  She's always rocked an Afro.  She's a no nonsense type of woman.  My Mommy speaks the truth no matter what.  She's not perfect but I've realized how smart, loving, and caring she really is.  I didn't appreciate the woman my Mommy is when I was younger - I didn't like her.  I thought she was just mean for no reason.  We had a traditional parent/child relationship.  She was a firm believer in "A child should be seen and not heard."  I wished I had a mom like my other high school friends did - their moms were their friends.  They did so many different things with their moms.  I look back now and compare the relationships then and now.  I'm glad my Mommy was my Parent back then and my Friend now.  All of my high school friends don't like their moms now - they feel their moms are immature and weak women.  I know my Mommy is a respected and strong woman.  A lot of the things I remember not liking back then I can appreciate them now.  She's the one who tells me it's okay to change my mind - I can do anything and it's okay not to like it.  Don't be afraid to do something , anything.  She's the one who tells me when I'm effin' up.  She's the one who has my back, every single time. 

She's taught me the importance of family through her actions over the years.  She worked every year to get my sisters and I everything on our Christmas lists.  Granted, it may not have been exactly what we wanted in terms of brand, size, etc. but she did what she could within her means to fulfill our wishes.  When she lost her good paying job during the Reagan/Bush years, she didn't worry us with her troubles, even though she had the responsibility of 3 extra children (our cousins lived with us for a few years).  We didn't find out until later and only then by happenstance.
 
My Mommy is my first Shero.  I've always said she's been my Mommy and Daddy in my life.  

I want to be happy about it but I can't fake it.  She acts like nothing has happened.  Like she didn't call me in such despair and heartbreak that day.  Like she wasn't in one of the worst states I've seen her in.  She sent a text the next day saying everything was fine and things were moving forward.  Our next conversation never mentioned the last time she called me.  She acted like nothing happened......like nothing happened.

Okay...this is a very random post, but some women (and maybe guys) will appreciate this info - I know I did.

Since I've moved to the DC area, I've had to cut back on a lot of extravagances, waxing being the main one.  I really don't like shaving - one because my hair grows very fast and two, I get razor burn very easily.  I loved to get waxed because I only had to go once a month and I got everything done in about an hour.  Anyhoo, having a full leg and a Brazilian runs about $250+ here, compared to under $100 in Tampa, so I had to break out the razors again.  I don't know about you, but I have to constantly rub the shaved areas in alcohol in order not to bump up or burn.  I mean like 2-3 times a day, especially in my bikini area.  One BFF told me about a product called Tend Skin that prevents razor burn.  It's sold in salons and runs $15-$25 for 2 oz.  Me, I'd rather stick to my alcohol routine.....that's a lot of money for a small product that I would use 4 times/week.   I told a Dr. friend of mine about it because she was having the same problem with shaving.  She saw it in a salon and checked out the ingredients.  Turns out, the main ingredient is salicylic acid, which is common in acne medication.  She checked the percentage in Tend Skin and then headed to Target.  Neutrogena's Clear Pore astringent has about the same percentage of it.  Soooooooooooooooooooooo - Clear Pore is $2.99 for a lot more ounces than Tend Skin at $25 for 2 ounces.  I've used it for a week now and NO RAZOR BURN or BUMPING!!!!  I use it twice a day, morning and night, and have had no problems. 

I don't have much to talk about here today, but in an effort to be consistent with my public writing I'll write.

I've seen so much in the news about the California wildfires and how the damage has gotten to be in the $6 billion range.  I'm hesitant to list a comparison to Hurricane season 2005 to this latest catastrophe in terms of people displace, government response, and the ability to resume a 'normal' existence.  Suffice it to say that I'm sure there is NO comparison - the 2 will differ in every aspect.  I think I read somewhere that animals in various wildlife preserves were evacuated faster than those in New Orleans.  Mind you, most people in N.O. chose to stay, flooding and fires are two different threats on life and well-being.

Let's see how long it takes Southern California residents to get assistance, aid, and help.  Let's also time how long it takes to rebuild their communities.

I got this idea from MissFJB........I'm following suit.

I went to pick up my dry cleaning today.  I'm one of those people who leaves their clothes at the cleaners for weeks.  I tell them I'm in no hurry to get it back, and usually I go pick it up when I realize something I want to wear is in the cleaners.  So that's what happened today.  I couldn't find a particular shirt I wanted to wear.  I'm glad the cleaners in my building also do shoe repair because I broke my favorite black slingbacks one morning at work.  I was rather mad and not really concerned about not having shoes to wear that day but more about if the shoe was repairable.  My co-worker lent me a pair of shoes.  We're funny like that - let the cute-not-made-for-walking-DC-streets shoes collect in our offices until we clear them out.  I had just taken mine home and was virtually shoe-less except for the fact that my co-worker and I wear the same size shoe.  That's unusual for me because I have big feet.

Anyhoo.....when I went to get the clothes, the owner said "You shoe been he-yah long time!"  Yeah, I know.  I just couldn't make it there before they closed in the evenings, and in the mornings I'm usually leaving in just enough time to make it to work.  "I no charge fuh shoe.  Only take $5 for glue so I say don't worry about it."

**Smile**  How nice, and I mean that so non-sarcastically.  It was a small gesture, but greatly appreciated because those are one of my favorite pair of shoes!

So, I seem to find the crazy neighbors.  Let me correct that....I find the LOUD, crazy neighbors.  Remember this entry? 

Sooooo....yeah.  Not too long after I moved into here, I heard them above me banging the headboard in the middle of the day.  Right now, she's yelling at him about something or other.  She's about to call her mother.

I carved a pumpkin.  It was my bit of sunshine yesterday, mainly because I got MSP involved in it.  He drew the face on it.  I tried to roast the pumpkin seeds, but I burnt them.

I read some of my older entries and came across a statement C-lah made:  "Things said in rage are just like drunken statements."  Like I said in that entry, rage is a raw emotion.....and the truth comes out in it.