July 13, 2010

January 5, 2009

  • Too long

    I hate it when I haven’t been on here in a long time….then I have to debate on what to write about because, inevitably, so much has happened.  Then I have to convince myself to keep still and stay focused so my writing doesn’t seem like ranting and babble.

    So, I’ll just say this…..
    I know that I love him deeply within my bones.  I know that he is everything I need and want.  I know I must make myself happy before I can hope to have anyone else make me happy. 

    Now, how do I do that?

November 5, 2008

  • Tupac was wrong….

    I see no changes, all I see is racist faces
    Misplaced hate makes disgrace to races
    We under I wonder what it take to make this
    one better place, let’s erase the wait state
    Take the evil out the people they’ll be acting right
    Cause both black and white are smokin crack tonight
    And only time we deal is when we kill each other
    It takes skill to be real, time to heal each other
    And though it seems heaven-sent
    **We ain’t ready, to have a black President, huh**
    It ain’t a secret don’t conceal the fact
    The penitentiary’s packed, and it’s filled with blacks
    I wake up in the morning and I ask myself
    Is life worth living should I blast myself
    I’m tired of being poor and even worse I’m black
    My stomach hurts so I’m lookin for a purse to snatch
    Cops give a damn about a ne-gro
    Pull a trigger kill a nigger he’s a hero
    Mo’ nigga mo’ nigga mo’ niggaz
    I’d rather be dead than a po’ nigga
    Let the Lord judge the criminals
    If I die, I wonder if heaven got a ghetto


    Dear God, I pray for optimum health, wisdom, mental clarity and political prosperity for Barack Obama and for his PROTECTION, as he serves as our 44th President!  Amen.

October 27, 2008

  • Sometimes…I Just Don’t Know

    **pardon me, as this post will ramble…..it’s a pure gemini trait**

    Ugh….I hate the feeling of ‘not knowing’….anything.  If I’m asked a question that I don’t know the answer to, I’ll make my best educated guess and later go research it…..research meaning Google.  I wish I could Google when I will climb out of this slump.  I know I need to talk to a therapist……but lately I have not completed many things that I’ve started.  That’s so uncharacteristic of me.  Totally and completely.  I don’t really wish to talk to a therapist…I’m afraid I’ll be told or perceived as unbalanced.  I know I’m crazy….I just don’t want to be abnormal.  Go figure.  Things between MSP and I have been tense lately.  I could easily say it’s all him, but I know I’m contributing.  I could do as I’ve done in the past and get ghost for a while…until things blow over, however, I know that’s not the mature way to handle things.

    I quit my job.  Yep.  I did it.  Nope, I don’t have another job but I’m not stressed.  I was a bit nervous leading up to my resignation, but once I did it, I felt so relieved.  I know that’s the sign that I did what was best for me. 

    He’s trying to prove a point to me.  I know it.  It won’t work – I’m the Queen of Point Proving.  I have to work on that.  I know that’s why I’m still in this funk.  Sometimes I wish I could just say Eff the Funk….and hope it would be gone.  **POOF**

    Things I Need to Work On:
    1.  Stubbornness
    2.  Selfishness
    3.  Seeing things from a different viewpoint without experiencing them
    4.  Completing tasks/projects/endeavors
    5.  Setting goals and mapping out plans to complete them

    Of course this list will continue to grow….it’s a start for now.  I have to ask myself if these things are those that I want to do for me or are they things I want to do because I think someone wants me to do them?  Does it make a difference either way?  I just don’t know….blech.

    For the first time since I’ve been in DC, I came home to my apartment tonight and actually felt like it’s HOME.  I have a few other things I need to acquire to make it my own, but I’m off to a good start.  I’ve been in this apartment for a year now, and I hope that I don’t get the urge to move again.  Of course that may not happen, but who knows….I know I don’t. 

    I hope I can get some clarity….soon.

    My prayers are going up for Jennifer Hudson and her family. 

August 27, 2008

  • It’s Been A Minute

    Yep, I know.  There are many things going on inside this Gemini mind, even more so than usual.  There’s been a hesitation somewhat on my part, and it’s due to the fact that I feel someone is lurking.  It’s not a big deal, because I could really care less what the lurker thinks…this is MY blog.   None-the-less, I just carry on in my normal manner. 

    ***Sidenote – I think I want to cut my hair again.  Maybe.  Maybe not***

    I’ll be in San Francisco next week for work….my first trip ever to the West Coast.  I need to travel more. 

June 21, 2008

  • My Hope Deferred….

    I ended up not testifying in Dannie and Char’s wrongful death lawsuit because of 12 jurors: 9 men, 3 men, 11 Republicans, 1 Democrat, no minority heritages.  This group of individuals found the trucking company and the truck driver ‘not liable’ in the wrongful death civil lawsuits for Char and Dannie.  Despite the driver’s traffic conviction of improper lane change (there were too many ‘eye witness’ in the northbound lanes across the median who said Dannie caused the accident while she and the trucker were traveling south); despite the Defense attorneys being very ill-prepared and un-focused on evidence; despite the Defense’s outlandish propaganda attacks on Dannie’s driving; despite the Prosecution’s case debunking all of the Defense’s legal arguments; despite the MOUNDS of evidence to support the conclusion that the truck driver caused the accident; despite the Prosecution’s case being as solid as the Egyptian tombs, while the Defense’s case was leaking like the Mississippi dams…..

    They walked away unharmed


    Cell phone records show the driver was on the phone when the truck popped Dannie’s rear driver’s side tire.  That initial impact caused Dannie to lose control of the car and spin in front of the truck (that’s what everyone traveling Northbound first saw). 

    The truck driver was ON HER EFFIN’ CELL PHONE!!!!!  She wasn’t paying attention. 

    The trucker’s deposition statement claimed that Dannie’s car hit the bobtail (a bobtail is a semi without the trailer – only the cab and the hook-up for the rig).  When the trucker was put on the witness stand, the earlier statement was thoroughly reduced to the lie it was.

    The jury deliberated less than one hour.  Such a quick turnaround surely meant good news for the Prosecution, according to all beliefs, including the Executive VP of the trucking company.  Not so.  Everyone was stunned in the courtroom.  Never before had the Prosecution so well prepared lost a case against a completely unfit Defense team.

    In civil lawsuits, the standard of proof is ‘preponderance of the evidence,’ or more likely than not.  I’m certain the jury would have found more than enough to render a liable verdict if they had only touched the evidence given to them.  They decided that the traffic accident was just that, an accident and that the trucking company and the driver were not ‘more likely than not’ to be at fault.  To further twist the knife in our open wounds, the jurors were shaking hands and hugging the Defense afterwards.  The 3 women jurors came to Dannie’s father and asked if they could speak to the family.  WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  WHAT could possibly be said?  Those closest to the family had no words….the Prosecuting attorneys had no words….but YOU, the group who said the defendants weren’t responsible….YOU have words that you want to share?  HELL NO!

    Yes, accidents do happen.  Not one of us believes that the truck driver MEANT to cause deadly harm to two very special people.  Nonetheless, it happened and the driver and the company should take responsibility for the action that caused so many people to have a void in their lives. 

    When I think about the fact that the accident involved 4 people in 3 separate vehicles, and everyone ELSE walked away from it virtually injury free AND once again, everyone ELSE in this case walks away untouched……I can’t help but to feel like my hope for some closure has escaped my grasp once again.  I now have to begin to close this void on my own.  We all have to make those moves to initiate our healing process without the smallest fraction of hope that the driver or company will say “I’m sorry.”  Truth be told, that’s all any of else really wants: Someone to acknowledge the mistake that was made.  The mistake that left a void beyond measure because 2 very special and dear people departed this Earth a long time before anyone expected them to. 

    Our hearts are linked eternally. On Sunday, the day we were to leave for Tampa, C-lah and I got the tattoo here in DC that I was planning for all 3 of us to get in Tampa.  We’ll catch Rai up in August.  I’ll post pics once it’s fully healed. 

June 3, 2008

  • Yes.We.Can.

    Right now.

    This moment.

    This instant in history.

    Makes me PROUD.

    My nieces and nephew have proof that they can do ANYTHING in this country. 

    They will see someone who looks like them run for the highest elected office in the United States.

    They will be a part of history.

    Just like me.

May 26, 2008

  • Remembering….

    Soooooo…today is 2 years since Char and Dannie left us.  It’s STILL hard, more so now because the case is coming up.  I found out a tidbit of information regarding the case that just made me ANGRY all over again…and then sad.  Something so small had such an enormous impact on so many people.

    C-lah and I laid out by the pool allllllllllll day today.  She made the observation that we all have such an impact on each other in such small ways…something that one of us likes we all start using it….something one of us says, we all start saying it.  For instance, when we first started going to South Beach to lay out, Char made us use this tanning accelerator with bronzer so we could be CHOCOLATE!!!  C-lah and I still use it to this day.  Linked Hearts….that’s what we are, and that’s my next tattoo, going on my right wrist.  Akoma ntoso – a symbol of understanding and agreement.  That’s us!

May 21, 2008

  • Celebrate!!!

    It’s my Born Day!!!

    I woke up this morning at 3:00 a.m. to take MSP to the airport all the way out in Dulles….a 30 minute drive that early in the morning….for his 6:00 a.m. flight to the Dominican Republic for his Memorial Day Guy’s Trip…..did I mention it’s my birthday?

    DDG planned to re-kindle the Memorial Day outing this year for old time’s sake, but I don’t think we’re quite ready and schedules are still hectic.  We’ll be together again on Memorial Day weekend when we’re ready.

    I went to Little Rock, AR last month for the conference.  Remember the conference that wasn’t half way planned a week before?  So, I was supposed to leave in the middle of the conference, on a Wednesday, to attend a different conference in Baltimore on Thursday.  After seeing that my help would be needed for the big dinner on Wednesday night, I offered to change my flight that Tuesday.  So I changed the flight from Wednesday to Thursday morning (it had a layover in Chicago) and went to the airport as scheduled.  There was a mini-crisis/fiasco with the charter bus service that morning and things were still very hectic when I left the hotel (Sign One).  I went to the airport and when they called the flight to board, a gentleman stood up and made a public announcement.  His father was a police officer in Chicago and had been shot the night before.  He was in surgery as they spoke and he was able to make the flight but his sister couldn’t because all seats were sold.  The family asked the airline to ask people to change flights, similar to when the airline overbooks a flight.  The airline said they could not because it was a personal request, but the family could ask passengers to give up their seat (Sign Two).  I said a prayer immediately and told myself I would give up my seat if they needed it, even though I knew it would mean getting on ANOTHER flight with my boss who works ALL THE TIME.  As the airline employee called the flight to board, I went over the gentleman and asked if they were able to get a seat for his sister, and he told me no.  An older gentleman offered to change flights but wanted to see if the
    airline could get him to Chicago in time for his commitment.  The
    airline wouldn’t pay for a different ticket (Sign Three).  I told him that I would give his sister my seat.  The sister and I went to the ticket counter and made the switch.  The brother offered to pay me, several times, to which I told him it was unnecessary.  He asked over and over if he could pay for a hotel room for me, and again, I told him it was unnecessary.  He asked me if there was anything he could do for me, to which I replied “Just be sure to get to your Father.”  I gave them my contact information and said Goodbye.  I called my boss and told her I changed my flight and was on my way back to the conference. 

    While I was typing the above bit about Memorial Day Weekend, I got an alert from Digsby (the best IM/E-mail/Social network manager application) about a Friend Request and a new message.  I went to the friend request first, and if you know my philosophy on FaceBook and MySpace, you know I don’t accept friend invites/requests from strangers.  I didn’t recognize the name or the picture, and the profile was private.  I almost hit “Deny,” but went to check the messages first.  It was the sister from the Little Rock airport.  She said her father passed that following Monday and that she wanted to thank me, again, for giving up my seat on the plane.

    Another instance of God working on me, helping me realize the good and not the sorrow (cuz I was surely about to cry when writing about Memorial Day Weekend).


    Did I mention it’s my Born Day?

May 20, 2008

  • Memories of the Past

    So, lately I’ve been waking up crying……I so know why.  My dreams lead me to Char which lead me to memories of times past which lead me to thoughts of that weekend…which lead to the tears.  I don’t fight them anymore.  I let them sit there and marinate.

    **As I am typing this, I feel the tears again……now my sister is calling me. God must know I need a distraction**

    I’m going to Tampa in June for her and Dannie’s case.  I know I have to do my part in telling everyone what jewels we lost 2 years ago. 

    The last 10 days of May are an emotional rollercoaster for me……my birthday is the 21st, Char & Dannie passed on the 26th, and Reno passed on the 31st.  I hope my firstborn makes their debut during those 10 days.  I need something to balance the scales.

    Here’s my favorite Char pic……

    We were at Faze 2 and she was wrappin’ up for the night.  DJPankyJankins (LOL at how we just changed his name around) was hanging around with us and we were just trippin’ out all night.  I told Char to say ‘Cheese,’ and that’s just what she did.